I have been having conflict with my beliefs. The two spiritual traditions that appeal to me the most as you know are Buddhism and Islam. I am not sure what to do or believe and im tired of looking like some kind of hypocrite going back and forth. I practiced Pure Land Buddhism for a lil bit, than felt a void like i needed something larger than me(ie: higher power, God, etc). I always loved Islam and believe for me personally that its the right path for me in terms of Monotheistic religions. But seeing The Last Samurai several times already, listening to oriental music, always being a lover of nature, Buddhism is calling me back, but not so much in the Pure Land way, but in the Zen way.
Im forever having struggle and sometimes i just want to die and not fight myself anymore. I have never once had a single moment of peace, never once can i recall having one of those moments in life where I felt at ease.
I don't know what to do. A part of me loves Islam for its practice towards the worship of God, how inspiring and beautiful it is, then a part of me loves Buddhism due to its harmony with the self and nature(nature is a big part of my life being vegan and i love animals and nature intensely), i love the poetic expression buddhism gives to life. Yet with Buddhism sometimes im not sure WHAT to do, i mean how to be mindful when in buddhism there is no belief in God, no belief in a soul. yet at times i feel that im at my happiest when im not being mindful of God, and im mindful of the moment and what is around me, and what is beyond me. yet in Islam(like all other God centered religions) i feel the essence of the moment, the love for nature and creation is lost, i find it hard to connect with a God that created us solely to worship him.
I am not sure what to do.